我們都有各自的地獄

「我們每個人在這世界都背負著各自的地獄而僅僅地存在著。我覺得死只是到另外的一個地獄去罷了」---《1973年的彈珠玩具》

今日W同我講話最近好多人engaged左，為自己仍單身而憂慮，戲言寧願生為男兒身，就唔Q駛煩。
我希望佢只係咁橋諗下，唔係講真。
我 唔想斬釘截鐵一句殺埋去男女不平等，生為男好D定生為女好D --- 男人五十仲係「盛年」，女人四十未嫁就仆街，但男人四十冇樓就要跳樓，女人三十好彩既可以有附屬credit card，等等等等你知我知大家都將要面對既所謂未來社會所訂立既各式遊戲規則或學術D，norms。

我只想以一個男人既角度話俾女人聽，正如我早排在某地方見到既Slogan tee, "Man has feelings too, but who cares?" 來點出男人既地獄。

女人，接近所有我認識既女人，認為男人係D仆街既生物，最Q鍾意用碌私家Q周圍篤，爛滾，有女朋友仍然去叫雞，十惡不赦。
我無意為爛滾既男人辯護，我都覺有女既仆街去滾真係好仆街，因為一，即係暗示女朋友滿足唔到你，二，惹左D性病番黎點算?!
做得出黎既，仆街，點你都R唔甩。
但我想講既係，男人想搞女人係天性，你幾時見到有其他任何雄性生物好似男人咁抑壓得咁犀利?? 香港既男人，好話唔好聽，平均一個星期一次。 仲要只係講緊有女朋友個D人，拿我話既，除左個日佢相對滿足之外，男人其餘6日都生活於地獄之中，見到乜都要控制住自己，有女朋友既就要抗拒其他引誘，冇 女朋友既就要睇住天堂步離自己，或者咫尺天涯咁對住眼前天使講人生道理講笑嘻嘻哈哈並以眼前天使笑容麻醉自己心入面團火------唔通同妳講我好想 xx(?!)
此乃其中一個女人永遠唔會明既情慾地獄，點解男人咁高EQ?因為男人日日都忍緊。點解佢地D大話咁叻?因為自從夢遺開始佢地已經日日都同唔同既女人講大話。

好勒實際D既方面勒，女人，你地賺既錢花左去邊?
男人身上? 唔好講笑啦，社會唔係咁prefer男人使女人錢。(如果係既，你好另類，我好想識你，快留msg俾我)
花在打扮度，衫褲呀，化妝品，總之就要靚靚咁出黎。
男人見到你靚靚梗係開心啦，但唔好再同我講你靚靚完全係為左男人， 取悅男人只係其中一部份。要男人開心好簡單，我即刻買俾你都得---bikini，或者bra同under就可以，如果天體係合法既個D都慳番。男人絕對 唔覺得成隻雀咁既YSL，5寸高跟鞋靚。欣賞既眼神只不過係見你咁努力，有D愛憐心痛，但其實歸根究底，都係bikini正的。
好勒，男人D錢洗 左去邊? 未成立家庭既，咪身邊D女性朋友度囉。3男3女飲左1500蚊，會唔會AA制?女仔有禮貌既咪百幾蚊囉，總之就唔知點解男人出去飲杯野郁下就幾舊水，冇諗 過溝3個中任何一個都係咁照俾，叫咩話?風度喎。男人一樣有衣食住行，扮有志向有興趣既仲會玩攝影玩音響玩車樣樣都係錢，最ultimate既，仲要唔知 點樣搵層樓番黎(30歲就知有幾重要)；當中有邊一樣唔係為左女人，ok，女人只係當中其中一部份，同你地買衫一樣。
我想講既係，女人要趁後生有本錢去釣龜固然係一個地獄，但男人要甘於並成功成為一隻俾女人釣既龜都係一個地獄。
女人會話，你地30歲就要搵到，時間好短，好憂慮。但青春20-30既過程裡面，女人有冇男人既經濟壓力? 同埋呢段期間女人係天之嬌子，青春無敵，可以打橫黎行。
而男人，20-40-成世都一定要維持高既社會競爭力，有冇諗過，男人如果四十歲中年危機一鋪清袋負資產，係唔係只可以「俾人推落路軌」等保險養妻活兒?

我唔係話女人唔辛苦，我只係想幫男人呻一呻嬉笑幽默背後既抑壓。
女人，男人做好多野都係為左你地，就唔好再話D慳住叫雞錢要買鏡頭學影人像相既男人做電車男、叫唔蒲儲錢買車想有日可以車你出入屋企既男人做悶蛋。

係，呢個世界有好多仆街，但真係唔搵男人笨既女人又有幾個? 仲要係俾人搵左笨都要講多謝陰公

睇下反應再諗寫唔寫落去 (待續)

話人不如話自己

有人會話自己好有夢想，例如好鐘意畫畫啦，但逢call必到，日日夜蒲，夢想似做酒吧PR多。
有人會話自己唔溝仔 / 女，但msn facebook永遠都係同異性傾計，原來溝既定義係著到行哂set爆個頭擺明今晚available既姿態再撩人先叫溝。
有人會話自己好忙好唔得閒，轉個頭見佢怒做facebook無聊quiz，又有時間打篇論文咁長既日記。
有人會話自己對d八卦野冇興趣，暗鄙女仔講是非，但又好鐘意睇d唔識既人既blog，原來佢八卦既定義係specific同某d人一齊八先叫八。

其實所有野都係包裝，只係話俾人聽自己係咩人，一種推銷自己既方法，向人講得多，就自己都以為自己係講緊自己

近來發現，自己係點係唔需要同人講，應該齋企係度人地已經可以feel到你係一個咩人
人地get唔倒一係人地冇留意，一係你根本就未成熟到成為一種令人有feel既人，兩者需要做既野都一樣，就係
收皮。

講完。

Life thoughts of a Libra

I am a Libra.
When u make a decision, simple as between lying on bed or waking up, u are acquiring something and forgoing something.
We all know, and we all accept it as a part of life.
Life is a series of options. We choose this, and we forgo that; and these options make us who we are now and the coming future.

When i was young, back to the age when somehow i think war is kind of fun, i didnt pay much attention in choosing options. I just let it flow. Academic? Friends? Compeitions? Win or lose, right or wrong, so be it. I'm not saying i chose the wrong option, there's not a single wrong option in life, only experiences. I experienced things that result from laziness, arrogant, damn pity, such and such, but luckily, adolescent.

I encounter someone who loved me, someone who treated me as their mentor, and above all, my heart was moved by some people.
From time to time, I learn from mistakes and I grow to be a more conscious person. I start to question about ambiguity and abstracts. I dwell into the world of ethics - do the right things, do things right.
I become a person with morals and responsibilities. I urge things to make sense. As a result i often regret of things i did and tried to get rid of my pride, wanted to turn back to people i hurt and say sorry to them.
But u cant always find them, you cant always keep the chance in your pocket, they slip away, thats how life is, thats how regret lies beneath the deepest of yours and stay there, like a scar reminding u wt silly thing u had done and could never take it back.

When we grow up we become more careful to options.
Because we realize taking an option may mean to forgo something that we really care of and we want to make sure the cost is made lowest. By doing it, sometimes we tend to choose things we not-so-satisfied because we find safety from the low cost.
Not-costing-much brings us some joy. We start get used to taking low-cost options, though they are actually not wt we want.
And it's very late for us to turn back when we find out that, this style of living actually has the highest cost of all --- happiness, adolescent, and dream.

Therefore i become extremely cautious in options.
In every situations, I put myself into 30 years later of now and think if i'd regret doing it or not doing it.
Most of the time it works. I utilize my time in games, gatherings and i put them into my works.
I feel satisfied with myself. Continuous dozing tells me i'm doing ok with my youth.
But, challenge isnt ended yet.
There are options that are very hard to weight, or even inappropriate to weight.
You must ask how yourself feel, and it's hard when your feelings are not that exquisite anymore. They are covered by your cost-calculator.
"I feel that i should take this option" work no more. Because u find out that it's not feeling, still just calculation.
You ask your buddies, they calculate for you, in a different perspective and it works.
Feel.
Feel. Where is it.

When u talk to a person u love and u hestitated and choose not to say it.......
When u scare that u may not be the one who could bring true happiness and choose not to say it.......

And u tell yourself with relief, "That's the best thing u should do"
You then find that u are far away from feeling, from adolscent, and u pretend that u r happy becoz u did the best thing u should have done.
But in fact u fucking dont.

But in fact u fucking dont u idiot.
So should u bring this regret along 30 years and together into the grave and write a book telling the story to your kids?
Go losers. If u feel happy.

這個人窺看我的思想然後寫出了這篇文章
我確信這樣的思想是需要發揚光大的......嗯嗯

天有不測

兩個多月的愜意工作，興緻滿滿，努力地把自己的兒子一點點製造出來。

雖然不是爭分奪秒、義無反顧地筆耕，但在兩個多月製造了40個word file對一個懶人來說也不是像吃飯拉屎那麼稀鬆平常的事。

但安份守己，不等於風平浪靜。明天我又回到起點了。

兒子被封印，也許沒有出版的一天，而我則離開94%，加入6%。

美好的事情總是不長久，慶幸的是我與天行的分別是依依的，事情急轉直下大家都始料未及。由始至終，天行只讓我看見她的好，而我會記得自己曾在這儼如中環世外的地方渡過如夢的兩個多月。

樂觀點看，我是時候放假了吧。